Soundtracks: Star-Crossed

A love that wasn't built to last and the music that accompanied it. "Existence is pain" - Mr. Meeseeks from Rick and Morty.

In San Diego, it wasn’t cool to date a Marine.
Jarheads, Crayon-eaters, Devil Dogs, Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.
Hair cut high and tight, freshly shaven, lean, fast machines.
Emphasis on fast.
Cock-sure and often drunk in public,
you could spot them a mile away.

I found you at a bar in Tijuana.
You were wearing a blue 26 Red Tred ballcap with white stitching.
It hid your regulation haircut.
I can still picture that hat in my mind’s eye.

Behind wire-rimmed frames, downturned eyes softened
the intense gaze of your light blue irises.
The lenses made you look sophisticated.
That would prove to be true, but not in the way I expected.
You looked at me, hungrily.
I was ready to be devoured.

Hello
I’ve waited here for you
Everlong

It was “just for fun”, nothing serious.
You can’t have a serious relationship with a Marine.
But you kept showing up with those eyes on me.
I loved the way you looked at me.
Always hungry.

Friends talked shit, but I didn’t care.
I was too busy reading our astrology charts.
The stars were clear:
A whirlwind romance that will leave an impression on both.
The truth of it was already known to me.
I held it quietly in my heart.

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
hold you in

You had me take your car so I could return to base each weekend.
Assurance that you’d see me again.
But also, a big gesture for someone you aren’t serious about.
Maybe this was more than we professed.

Remember that night at Downtown Charlie Brown’s?
We had the whole bar to ourselves.
The conversation was meaningful.
We spoke like children sharing secrets.

Later, we slept in a room at MCRD.
Our lean bodies sharing a twin bed.
I was drunk and sleepy when I told you I loved you.
You rubbed my head and said, “Go to sleep.”
Then wrapped your body around mine.
That was all the response I needed.

And I wonder, when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when

Days were spent driving up and down the SoCal coast,
music loud and the sun shining on us.
Nights were spent running wild or just hanging out on base.
The times I slept over were like summer camp.
Laughing and bantering from bunk beds.

Your friends became mine.
We were a merry band of heathens,
and music was everything.
I was so invested in you and your world.
The stakes had gotten higher.

As much as I wanted to be the one to leave an impression,
to be the best memories of your young adult life,
I could not imagine living without you.
Without this.

Cody lip-synced into a broom handle one night.
The song played loud from the stereo.
He was facing us, performing.
We cheered and sloshed our beers.
But the words stuck in me.

I wonder how’s it gonna be
When you don’t know me
How’s it gonna be
When you’re sure I’m not there

Time would reveal that you were more damaged
than the exterior showed.
You were so angry.
But also, hungry.
I loved that hunger.

Six months is a long time when you’re twenty-two.
That time would change us forever.
But we kept hanging on.
I had started to believe I could be more than just
the cool girl from your past.
Why didn’t I walk away then?
How could I?

I wonder how’s it gonna be
When it goes down
How’s it gonna be
When you’re not around

What started out as holy became turmoil.
Your downturned eyes always seeking someone else.
I died a thousand jealous deaths,
watching your hunger turn away from me.

Wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion

Still, I clutched you to me, fiercely.
You were supposed to love me.
You were supposed to choose me.
You were supposed to prefer me to anyone.
And sometimes, you did.

The flashing moments of the us before kept me hanging on.
Years of friendship.
A decade of tumult.
An illogical devotion.
My identity.
All with you.

I’m only pretty sure that I can’t take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I wanna get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I’m gonna miss

Thirteen years after we met, the love that consumed
the best years of our lives was on life support.
I finally made the call.
You didn’t contest.
That was the final wound.

I had been losing you for a decade.
When something is as bright as our beginning,
it takes a long time to fade out.
What is better?
A fast, brutal ending?
Or a long, slow death?
I had chosen the latter.

The question that the song had been asking
How’s it gonna be?
would finally be answered.
And at 34, I was finally ready to know.

Song lyrics in italics are from “Everlong” by Foo Fighters and “How’s It Going To Be” by Third Eye Blind